Growing old is in many ways much like having your first baby–no one can truly appreciate the overwhelming, all-consuming novelty of it until it’s happening. Meet the deep end. Sink or swim.
Now as I am growing old, I don’t know how to get people to understand what it’s like until they are. And until they get it, ageism isn’t going away.
Just like raising a child, everyone has an opinion on the right way to do it, and everyone believes their own experience or observation is universal. Often it seems the most ageist people are old people themselves, and they want anyone with a different experience to climb into the grave with them. They proudly announce their age and then say they know that old people can’t do such and such a thing, because they themselves can’t. Equally obnoxious are those who proudly announce their age and proclaim that you can do anything if you just suck it up–run a marathon or climb Everest. Those are the “age is just a number!” people. (I think they are also the “just have willpower and exercise” people who have never carried an extra pound in their lives.)
Somewhere in the middle
Age-related illnesses exist, ranging in severity from mild to devastating. Disabling cardiac and brain events occur. We’re all different, though. There is a vast range in rate, speed and depth of individual change, from the shallows to the drop-off.
Like everything, the truth about aging is probably somewhere in the middle. But like everything, the extremists’ opinions and attitudes get the most attention, and can both discourage people from trying, and place unrealistic expectations on everyone. I think the negative attitude is the most damaging, because it is the most stereotypical–“all old people”–and pervasive. It tends to infantilize older people. You are now “cute,” or Honey or Sweetie. Now you’re not the new parent in the scenario, you’re the new baby, assumed to be incapable of functioning in the world. Only this time you’re assumed to be incapable of progress, too, and becoming invisible. Now the doctor ignores you and addresses your child. “Hey, right here. I can hear you!”
More deliberate now, but maybe not less driven
We old middling sorts understand that we don’t move or recall as quickly as we used to, but we can still be excellent critical thinkers who can solve complex problems, because we couple experience with skill. Barring serious illness or injury, we may want to gain new skills. We may want to continue working. While many find volunteering rewarding, others want or need to earn a paycheck, and we know we can bring value to a workplace that needs our skills. We may still thrive on adrenaline and challenges.
Automatic assumptions of incompetence or incapability, based on age, disability, a slow, stiff walk, white hair, deliberative thought or use of an assistive device, devalue people in all situations. We need to teach people that someone might need a hand standing up, accessible spaces or hearing aids, while still being a fine teacher, accountant, editor or leader. We give far too much credit to “optics” and speed and far too little thought to a person’s actual capabilities and productivity. Remember haste makes waste, and all of that.
I’m not a baby, but I don’t want to wear stilettoes, either
The first time you injure yourself sleeping, you begin to understand that aging takes–sometimes a little and sometimes everything–away from us.
But aging can also give–maturity, wisdom, insight, valuable experience, new flexibility, open-mindedness and patience. Growing old doesn’t mean you’re irrelevant, incompetent, incapable. It doesn’t mean you should be shunted aside.
I can hear people saying, “But oh, some people really are too old! They don’t get it, their time is past, they need to make way, we need fresh ideas!” Yes to fresh ideas. But do you really think old people can’t have fresh ideas? Have some faith. Tell us what you need. Make room for us and for bright young people. Allow us the space to stretch and to compete. If we really can’t compete or can’t adapt, then it is time to move on. But don’t just assume it. One day you may be standing in the hallway with your stuff in a box for no real reason, wondering why you are no longer allowed to contribute or to earn.
See the individual. Let us push ourselves a lot, a little or not at all. In the end, you won’t know what it’s like until you’re in the middle of it, just like when you bring that new baby home and suddenly everything has changed in ways you couldn’t know, and everyone is giving you all kinds of generic advice. Maybe you are an old person who has decided you want to step back or be done. Do what’s right for you! Or wear the stilettoes if you want to. Growing old is individual, and as they say, you’re lucky if you have that privilege.
Maybe you think I sound like a cranky old lady. Well, that’s just ageist. I am now old, but I have always been cranky, and age has nothing to do with that.